Fertility Now!...Insanity later?

Moving on?

2009-05-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I feel like I've moved on from my TTC journey - I'm ready to embrace the whole new adventure of adoption... but every once in a while I still cling on to that hope that some how, some time, I will be pregnant. Then I feel guilty, but what can I do - I'm human & I'm conflicted and I'm not perfect.

But... I did pass along my CBEFM to a friend, and also a while ago I bought a Snoogle from a friend because I was CONVINCED I would be pregnant soon, but earlier this month I also passed that on to another friend. They've both gone to good homes, but it still stings a tad - that I can't lie about.

I also run a check-in post for my local message board for the gals over there who are having t-ttc (but we call it Still-TTC, since some people don't necessarily have trouble ttc, it's just not going the way they expected), and I'm getting close to letting it go... for some reasons it's because I just haven't been getting a lot of participation lately, and also partly because I'm just not Still Trying To Conceive... it's just not where my head is at anymore...

Oh, and don't forget to visit me on my other blog, which chronicles my adoption journey:
A Whole Lot of Hope

There's a new blog in town

2009-04-25T10:26:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone!
Thank you so much for following along my infertility journey. I've decided to start a new blog that will chronicle our adoption journey, as well as just my life in general.

I'm still planning on updating this one every now & again, but I'd love it if you came over to my new blog: A Whole Lot of Hope

Thanks again for all of your support, it has meant so much to me.

Sorry, it's a BFN

2009-04-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of people were holding out hope for me, so it pains me even more to let you know that AF started today.

I don't have much else to say.

About my beta tomorrow...

2009-04-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

Note: This entry was started about a week ago....

Next Saturday I have my beta test. I'll be 15 days past IUI. Knowing me, I'll test early. I'll go back to the dollar tree and fill my basket with tests & try to avoid looking in the cashiers eye. Or, maybe I could have some fun... like buy an Easter basket and put all of them in that & hand it to the cashier with a smile. At least I'd maybe give 'em something to remember!

So, in any case, next week I think is the end of the fertility treatment road for me for a while. In a perfect world, that reason will be of course because of a successfulIUI.

Here's the latest: I'm 14 days past IUI. I took a HPT on Day 12, and it was negative. I took another one this evening & it was negative. I will take another one tomorrow. I'm assuming it will also be negative.

I have decided not to get a blood/beta test done unless I get a positive. I have ten tests left, that should satisfy me until AF comes. As I wrote in a different forum earlier (I'll just c&p, so I don't have to write it all out again):

About my Beta on Saturday...I've decided not to go. I'm going to go to the dollar store & buy 10 pg tests. If any one of them say positive in the next few days, then I'll go take a blood test, but otherwise I'm not going.

The last beta I had, two months ago, was excruciatingly hard on me. I had already taken a pg test and it was negative. I remembered my doctor saying that sometimes someone would take a hpt in the morning, it would be negative, and then they'd come in & the beta would be positive. That got me in there the last time, I but I bawled all the way to the clinic, and all the way while she was taking my blood, and then all the way home, and then of course I got the call that it was negative I completely broke down. So, I'm not going to do that to myself again. If it's negative I will cry, I'll feel defeated, but at least I can do it in the privacy of my own home. I won't have to dread getting that call, with a live person telling me it's over...

I feel a nice burden off my shoulders... going to the clinic is just too stressful for me right now!

So there you have it... I'll update if I get a BFP, but for now, let's just assume it's BFN.

I forgot to actually give an update...

2009-03-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

Last month I started on Day 2 at 150 IU a day, and I totally over stimulated... Hello Octomom #2. That IUI was canceled, which was a huge blow, since I was out about $2,100 & never even got a chance to try.

My doctor decided to start me on 100 IU of Follistim on day 5 of my cycle this time. This worked out fairly well, since I had less appointments, and each appointment means another lie to my work. I didn't grow too many follicles, in fact I have just one, but it's a big one. My doctor seemed disappointed, even though by her professional standards, one is the goal.

On Wednesday we were told to go ahead and give me the trigger, and on Friday I had my IUI. So, once again I'm in the 2 week wait. I'm not even fretting about this one... if it doesn't work, that's just the way it is. I'm already working on my adoption profile (just gathering photos & thinking of what to say - -nothing formal...)

One year blogiversary!

2009-03-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

Just a quick shout out to me, that by some weird chance, I looked at my first blog post & it was exactly one year ago today. Funny, I've made forward motions, but still am in the same place.
A big thank you to all that read my blog and continue to give me support. It really makes the journey just a little bit easier knowing there are people rooting for me. Thank you!

Living an open life

2009-03-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

Two weekends ago I had a chance to have a pretty good conversation with one of my closest friends, who also happens to be my cousin. She's the closest thing I'll ever have to a sibling. Anyway, she's been one of the only people in real life who I've confided any of my struggles with ttc. She can be sort of difficult to talk with if you're just looking for some one to be nice to you, because she doesn't see her role in life to be a hand-holder. She will say exactly what she's thinking, no matter what. So, we were talking abut what I've been up to, and how I've kept everything completely hidden from my friends, my family, and my work. She seems to think that if I'm open with those around me, I won't be such a tight ball of stress.

I think what it comes down to, is who am I trying to impress? What do I have to hide? Why can't I be open about who I am & what I'm going through? So, right now I'm going to go down one by one, and list my reasons for being silent, and see if any of them are really valid, or just me being a chicken-shit.

#1 - Mom: I have never been open about her with anything. I learned a long time ago that if you let her in, she will attempt to take over, and usually succeeds. I can imagine her trying to talk to my RE on my behalf, or something. She doesn't even know we want children, yet I think she's holding back on retiring until she has a grandchild. She's been pretty non-invasive in this part of my life so far, honestly, so maybe I could let her in... I just don't want her asking me about it all the time. Every once in a while I think about telling her, but then I just think about something hurtful that she could possibly say, and I hold back. VERDICT: Open Up.

#2 - Dad: Ew, dads don't need to know about their daughters' sex life. Case closed. My dad & I have a great relationship, but I just think this is one aspect he wouldn't want to know about. I dread even telling him I'm pg when I am because he'll then know I've been having sex (ha, guess if I get pg with this IUI I could tell him I didn't have sex :) ) I remember when we announced our proposal, my dad looked absolutely panicked, like he was going looking to throw him self off the nearest balcony. He eventually composed himself. I remember he also told me that one of my cousin's wives mentioned she was having t-ttc. He seemed really confused about why she was telling him this. VERDICT: Stay silent.

#3 - Work: This one is a bit tougher, because I've already painted myself in a corner already with all my lies. As I mentioned in this blog post, my boss has had her suspicions about me for a long time. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of being right. However, I've been married for almost 4 years, I obviously love children, I've missed days of work, or come in hours late with barely believable excuses... I think they're on to me. However, from now on, I won't be taking any more days off due to fertility treatment, since this is the last one for a long time, so I really don't see the point in saying anything. VERDICT: Stay silent.

#4 - Friends: Well, I've been open-ish with two of my friends, and that's gone well. Maybe I'll be a bit more open with others. My only hesitation is I don't what people feeling sorry for me. I also don't want to admit I've failed as a woman, because that's what it feel like to me. VERDICT: Open up.

So, I guess what it comes down to is challenging the vulnerability I feel when I open up about anything, because I really do think it might be holding my emotional growth back. I need to be strong, embrace my decisions, and not live in the shadow of my fear of feeling judged. Basically, I need to grow up.

Back on the IUI train

2009-03-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say that I'm back on the IUI train. This month the RE is waiting until cycle day 5 (today) for me to start my follistim, and then I'll be starting at 100 units a day. Next appointment is on Thursday, and then I'll have a better idea of how long this cycle will be. Wish me luck!

Also, a quick shout-out to my friend K. who gave me her left over cartridge of Follstim instead of selling it on the black market (or, as she calls it, donating it (back to her clinic)). Thanks for the cheap glass of champagne, and also for telling my husband that IF treatment is a good thing, but not as good as sex (at least that's what we thought you said). That had us giggling all the way home.

Mixed feelings...

2009-02-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was all set to skip my next cycle and give myself a two month break from any more treatments. I was happy with that decision, relieved.

Then today, about 5 minutes ago, I decided I would go forward with an IUI this month. Hmm, I don't really understand any of my feelings. I'm always feeling so conflicted about EVERYTHING.

For the past week and a half I was beginning to feel a pull to look into international adoption. This has never been a path I thought I'd be interested in, but then my husband's birth country started making it a bit easier for Americans to adopt from there, and I started getting signs all over the place that maybe it was something to consider... I got really excited thinking of bringing a child into our lives that shared my husband's heritage (and, fingers-crossed, our nephew's extremely cute looks!), which is something that would be fairly unlikely with domestic adoption.

Before I called the agency handling the program I looked at their website. I could tell right away that there was something that would disqualify us... the requirement that adoptive parents be Christian... I identify "Christian" as my cultural background, but I don't go to church, and I don't have faith... so I don't think I qualify. I called the agency anyway, and the case worker was like, oh no, you just have to say you're Christian, they just don't want the babies brought up as Muslim... Um, ok... Later I got more information on the program, and a letter from my church minister/pastor would be requred, so I just dropped the whole idea. But it was fun thinking about it...

So, now I'm back to thinking about IUIs & all that other stuff... we'll see where my mind is tomorrow...

IUI canceled

2009-01-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

I'm so devastated I can't even think straight. I honestly did not know how many follicles I had until my re called me. However, by coincidence, I was reading an article on cnn about the octuplets that were just born. Right in the middle of the article was a quote from my doctor. She was lambasting any doctor that allowed a patient to go that route... I knew at that point my IUI was going to be canceled.

I spoke with my doctor finally & she told me my #s:
17, 17, 17, 17, 16, 14,14,14,14 - Yeah, I overstimmed.

I'm not sure what route we're taking next, but as of now, we have to abstain or use condoms until after I ovulate... I can't even try to get pg naturally this cycle.

I'm hoping, hoping, hoping, there's a way i can get to Disneyland before my next cycle. I really need that place right now.

Long story short

2009-01-28T11:51:00.001-08:00

Ok, I was writing a big entry about my progress this cycle, but it was
soo boring.

So, long story short - new cycle started - higher dose of medicine for
shorter amount of time - I've responded well - maybe too well - have
four large follicles, maybe five - yikes, multiples is a possibility -
ok with me, to a point - taking ovidrel/ovulation stimulation med
tonight - will have IUI on Friday, unless my estradiol levels are
really off - not sure what happens then.... - will find out soon - the
end. Oh, and 4 transvaginal ultrasounds in a row is sooo not fun!

Now officially not pregnant

2009-01-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

I had a call from the doctor a few minutes ago. It's officially a BFN.

I'm too upset to write any more.

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

Not official, but I'm sure it's BFN

2009-01-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

I've POAS many times this week, including this morning. I know it's a BFN. I know.

I went in about an hour ago to have the blood draw for my beta & started crying. It's so embarrassing for me that I can't hold it in when I'm in public. I do so well most of the time...

Anyway, I guess they'll call me in a few hours, but even the lab lady seemed to be prepping me for a negative result.

I'm feeling so hopeless right now.

5 days until beta

2009-01-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have 5 pg tests burning a hole in my bathroom cabinet... tomorrow I'll be 10 days past IUI...I think I'm going to test tomorrow. I just can't restrain myself.

As usual, I won't tell my dh unless... and even if it's + I don't think I'll believe it until I see it 5 days in a row, plus with great beta results... But, according to my dr, testing at this point wouldn't show the hcg still in my system from the trigger.

Anyway, I've been trying to keep myself so busy this past week. I stocked my 40 gallon aquarium (actually, it's s a little smaller, but I can't remember if it's 36 or 38, so I just round up to 40) with some lovely fish and have been enjoying watch them float around. Everyone's getting along great, which warms my heart. Unfortunately, I do have a bit of a mystery on my hands... one of my fish just disappeared (this happened before I bought the new fish). It's gone, and I have done a thorough search. I don't know what happened, but I have a small algae eater in the tank & I think he took care of things for me. How did he know that my least favorite part of having an aquarium is dealing with the casualties? Good fish! I just hope there isn't a scene like the one in Jaws 3... (you know...in the tunnel... with the man popping up...egads!)

Also, I keep doing Google searches on symptoms, expectations, etc, and invariably I get directed to the inanity of Yahoo Answers. Today I entertained myself with this gem (it's totally made up - all this guy's questions are like this - but it still made me snort when I stumbled on it):

When a man gets pregnant can he get another woman pregnant? Or is he basically nuetered during this time?

So - I won't be updating probably until Saturday when I get the beta done - but please keep me in your thoughts!

IUI went a-ok

2009-01-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update... (with just enough TMI to make you queasy)

I had my IUI on Saturday. It was easy-peasy. We stayed the night at a hotel right next to the clinic and that worked out really well, plus the rate was only $60.00 (maybe a little less).

We dropped dh's "specimen" off at the lab, and then we came back to the hotel for another 2 hours.

When I came back I had to pick up the washed and ready to go specimen and hold it until my doctor came in to the exam room (it was in a test tube). Then the doctor, the nurse, and a new doctor came into the room. I appreciated that the new doctor didn't get up all in my business; she stayed towards my head.

My doctor reviewed my dh's semen analysis, and said it actually wasn't perfect (I think the motility rate is a little low, but most everything else looked great), and she thought because of this that having the IUI would gives us an extra push that we weren't getting naturally. My cervix was in a great position, and my cervical mucus was prime. So, other than just having that one follicle, I think I'm in a great position for success. That one follicle is keeping my hopes low, which is important because I do not want to get carried away with the what-ifs. Two weeks is a long time to obsess about all of this, and I've already bought 5 pregnancy tests in case I can't wait until two Saturdays from now. So I have an uphill battle with myself to keep my impulses under control.

The insemination was painless, in fact I felt nothing at all.

As I've mentioned in other forums, it was sort of a surreal experience having three people in the room with me while my baby may be getting conceived & not one of them was my husband (or even a guy).

So, that's the story for now. I really hope I have some good news to tell you in two weeks!

Is the timing finally right?

2009-01-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

Wow. I complained so much about nothing working out the way I wanted, I didn't even take in to consideration that maybe things happen for a reason. I know, deep, huh? Sorry, I'm sort of dragging from my exciting New Years Eve of watching our new (to us, and free) TV in bed with a small glass of TGIF's Mudlslide concoction and wondering why the hell our BIL was calling us after midnight (oh yeah, to wish us a happy new year!)

In any case, I wanted to make sure to get some of the stuff that's been happening written down before I totally forget.

On Saturday, the IUI is scheduled. Finally. Amazingly enough, the timing is about as perfect as can be. Almost all of my appointments for this cycle have taken place on a weekend day or on a holiday (there's nothing like spending Christmas morning with an ultrasound tech and her probe), which means I haven't raised any eyebrows at work. My last appointment was yesterday, and I just offhandedly mentioned to my boss that I'd be in a tad late. No questions asked at all. Plus, my husband doesn't need to take any time off from work, double yay!

At my appointment yesterday I was told that I had just one "good" follicle. I was so sad to hear this, because I really thought I'd have at least two, plus the one I have isn't all that spectacular. Dr. H. told me that one is all they are really supposed to be aiming for (because of the risk of multiples), but the odds are greater when there are more than one. So, I took this as bad news and cried on my way into work. Eventually I bucked up, and right now am feeling excited.

In about 4 hours I'll take my trigger shot of Ovidrel, and then Saturday morning we'll head on over to the office. We've actually rented a hotel room nearby so my husband is a little more comfortable with the collection. I'm trying to make this as easy as possible on both of us.

Wish us luck!

Injecting yourself is too hard!

2008-12-21T22:31:00.001-08:00

Today I started my follistim injectable meds for my IUI. I thought I would have no problem... I had no fear, no nervousness... until I was holding that needle, hovering in front of my tummy. I couldn't do it! Luckily my dh stepped up and did it. I felt absolutely nothing... but I still think DH will be my designated injector.

On Christmas I'll go in for another ultra sound, and then I think around 12/30 or thereabouts will be my IUI. I'm feeling excited, but keeping my expectations low.

My latest update

2008-12-09T10:21:00.001-08:00

Why is it when you do everything right that everything ends up going wrong?

Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but this month I actually took all my medicines daily (unlike the last few months where I've taken them weekly, if at all), I got all my bloodwork done, I kept in good contact with my RE's office, I had a good block of time that I could have all my appointments and be discreet at work about them, and yet, nothing ever works according to plan!

I've been pretty bummed out since I returned from Croatia and wasn't able to start my IUI cycle. But, I put aside my disappointment, let my IUI coordinator know I wasn't happy with our miscommunication, and started fresh. My husband got all his pre-conception bloodwork done and results back (except his Cystic Fibrosis test, we haven't seen those results, yet). We both went in for a demonstration of how injectable medicines work and are administered - I can totally do it to myself, by the way, I'm sure of it. We also got the IUI schedule, when I go in for my ultrasounds, when I start taking my Follistim, my Ovidrel and my Prometrium suppositories, when I get my hCG trigger and then depending on all that when I have my IUI. All that we needed was for AF to show, and then we'd be on the train.

Except this month I didn't ovulate. The first time in about 6 or 7 months. I never got a peak on my CBEFM, just 20 days of "Highs." Now, this was already sort of a throw away cycle, since I was completely unmedicated (except for my normal daily meds), but it was also my last chance at conceiving naturally (and cheaply, since I don't even require a fancy dinner). So I went in and got a progesterone test just to make sure, and wow, it couldn't be any lower... Knowing that I didn't ovulate sent alarm bells going crazy in my head, because even with some ovulation, even a low progesterone reading of 5 or 6, as I normally have, at least AF remains pretty consistent - 31-33 day cycle. Without ovulation, I didn't know if AF would come naturally. So I was able to get some Provera pills in the hopes that they would help my period start on time or just a tad late. Well, I'm on day 36 now & no AF. So, no big deal, right... except, of course I studied that
projected IUI schedule like an obsessed crazy person, and knew that if AF came when it was supposed to that my boss would be out of the office for almost the entire time that I would have to have my appointments, thus reducing the likelihood of having to answer questions, or be the subject of rumors, etc... So now I'm back to wondering if this month is a bust. Will my body betray me more, or will it finally be merciful and just work? So, I wait.

Sadness...

2008-12-09T10:18:00.001-08:00

As much as I bemoan my own issues, in the scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. This was especially made clear when I heard about two tragedies in the blogging world.

First, my friend Stephanie, (who is due with her first child in a little over a month) over at My Life... lost her mom (and her best friend) last week to a very nasty strain of breast cancer. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, and it just hit home so hard that I shouldn't take her remission (or her, for that matter) for granted. Another blogger, Laura, set up a donation page in Stephanie's mom's name, and I hope you might be able to spare a small amount to support the fight against breast cancer. Any amount can be charged right to your credit card & all goes directly to the Susan G. Komen for a Cure charity. Of course, it's tax deductible, too.

I also heard some terrible news through Little Blue Elephant that a little girl in Guatemala waiting for her adoptive family to come pick her up (they were just weeks away from their travel date, and the adoption had been finalized in Guatemala) was murdered, along with her foster family in a home invasion robbery. The family has a donation page set up at their blog for anyone who is able to help them out (it's on the left hand column, titled "chip in"). My heart breaks for them, and for the little girl, Josi, and her foster family. What a terrible tragedy. Please keep them in your thoughts.

Thank you, everyone, for your time.

I'm back!

2008-11-06T12:29:00.000-08:00

Got home yesterday from Venice & Croatia. I'm a little too out of it to write a full review, but it was definitely a great trip. Unfortunately, our luggage was lost, but eventually found us in Dubrovnik after 6 days (of a 9 day trip). We spent way too much time on vacation shopping for underwear and socks, but even with that we got some good stories out of it.

Right now I'm trying to get a hold of the IUI coordinator at the infertility clinic. I have to say, she sucks. I was reserving judgment for so long, but really, I can't believe how difficult communication with her has been. I emailed her before I left letting her know she could call my prescription in for my meds (this was a response to her e-mail a few hours earlier). No response until about 3 days ago, when I got an e-mail from her saying she had been out of the office, and had the pharmacy contacted me? Nope.

AF started on Wednesday California time, and I was hoping that today I could get my baseline sonogram and actually have a go at this cycle, but... I e-mailed her from the Venice airport yesterday saying I would be home today and could take any appointment any time. Just make me one, at any office, and I'd be there. No response. I called and left a message this morning, no response. My window has come and gone at this point. There isn't enough time for me to get the injectable meds, there are just too many obstacles, and I'm just fed up. I can't stop crying, and it's just so upsetting. Even tough I was terribly uncomfortable flying for 14 hours while dealing with AF, I was so cheerful, I really thought everything was going to work out. It's not. I'm pissed off, and just feel helpless. I need a break.

A whole lot of cycle talk going on

2008-10-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

Time has got me down right now. Everything is so complicated and all I have to deal with are delays.

This cycle I had my HSG. Next cycle I was supposed to have my first IUI. But... I'm going to be on vacation possibly at the start of my cycle. Or not. Who knows? Not me, certainly. I never know what my body is planning on doing. Maybe AF will show a few days before I come home, maybe she'll show a few days later. Heck, maybe I'm pregnant & she'll never show!

So now I've decided to try, try, try to make this next cycle happen. It all depends on my least favorite aunt, Aunt Flo. On Monday I'm having all my pre-conception bloodwork done. Later that afternoon I leave for Venice & Croatia. When I get back, if AF starts I'll need to go in and get an ultrasound, and get my meds, get the latest plan... plus, I was supposed to take an injections class, and there won't be any time for that... As I told my doctor at my first visit, I've given my cat insulin and subcutaneous fluids, so at least I have some experience. She didn't dismiss me at all with that, so I'm hoping with just some instruction I should be able to take care of it.

The only reason I'm really hoping I can do the IUI this cycle is because if it's successful I'd be due in July. My dh is a teacher & I really want him around. Of course, 2 years ago I had my mind completely set on conceiving a baby that would be born in the summer of 07... so timing hasn't really been my friend for any of this.

I'm off to go have lunch with my mom. I'm considering confiding in her about all of this... but it's not really the relationship we have. We'll see how the mood strikes me.

HSG today

2008-10-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

Well, on the positive side - no tube blockage, and so far no cramping. Oh, another plus: it's over.

I did not enjoy this experience at all. I didn't like being taken from an exam room to an operating room with a stupid sheet wrapped around my waist. I also didn't like the touching, prodding, poking that went along with this exam. I also did not enjoy the fight I got in with my dh over him not making an illegal U-Turn in order to get me to the appointment on time. (Me: "God damn it, can you stop driving like a little old lady? Sheesh!" Him: "I'm not going to Starbucks anymore so we can save $3.00 a day, and you want me to blow that all on a $300.00 ticket?" ) Yeah, good times.

The human brain is so crazy. I know this exam was very, very uncomfortable, sort of painful for short amounts of time, and yet, 2 hours later, I can barely remember it. I just remember telling myself: this sucks!

Anyway, I'm feeling fine and looking forward to the next steps. Hopefully tomorrow I'll find out what exactly those are.

The Plan

2008-09-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not feeling so great. DH & I talked for a long time about our options, and although he said he was excited about our next steps, I'm filled with dread & worry. I'm really shocked at the price of the injectable meds. I had heard they were expensive, but I thought that meant $300.00 or so, not $3,000.00. I'm not sure if that figure is correct, because all I know is that on the sheet I was given of what a typical IUI w/injectables costs, it said $3,200.00 each time. I'm assuming that includes the medication, but on another sheet it said that the medicine alone would cost $3,500.00 each cycle. So, I've got to get that sorted out.

Assuming that the procedure + meds will be in the $3,200.00 range, we can afford for me to do an IUI 3-4 times. This will mean that some of our money that's earmarked for our Roth IRA retirement fund will be siphoned into the TTC fund (there's not really a TTC fund, but there might as well be). If those attempts are not successful, then we are done. We can't afford to try any more. After a year we can start the adoption process. This is all breaking my heart. It's so much pressure, and i just want to be a parent, but I'm just feeling this pull to try the IUI & just see if it would work. Adoption is so close to my heart, yet I'm just not ready to give up on being able to be pregnant.

I just don't know that I can wait a full year to adopt. My poor husband, he thought he was being so great when he went & worked all the numbers and came up with a plan, but all it resulted in me was bawling. I mean, if we did 3 IUIs in a row, had zero success, we could still possibly be parents in 2009 if we adopted. But, he just doesn't see it happening. I have to find some other ways to go about this, because I don't think he gets that I CAN NOT wait any longer. We have been trying for 2 and a half years. There is no more time left.

My first RE appointment

2008-09-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of my super busy crazy days. I'm writing that as if it's a common occurrence. It's not. In fact, normally my life is pretty darn boring. Not yesterday, though.

Here's what my day looked like yesterday:

7am: Took progesterone blood test
7:30am-8:45am: Drove to work
1:00pm: Left work
1:00-2:00pm:Drove home
2:00pm-3:00 pm: Got all dolled-up
3:00pm-4:20pm:Drove to RE appointment (got lost, even though the office is on the same street my dad lives on)
4:20pm-5:30 pm:RE appointment
5:30-11:00 pm: Norwegian Tourism board event at the Claremont Hotel, and a dinner cruise on the bay

Phew! I spent the night at the Claremont, and was so sad my DH wasn't there to enjoy it with me.
This morning I'm back at home, and will go into work in just a little bit. In the meantime, let me tell you about my re appointment , and if I have time, also about hobnobbing with the Norwegian Consulate General....

The appointment: Well, I was late, very late. I can't believe I didn't understand the directions. I was so flustered when I finally got there, but the receptionist was kind, and made me feel much more relaxed.

I went on to see the Dr & sat in her office & just chatted. She was really fantastic, has heard it all before, and is just really proactive. We talked about family history, my DH, my past treatments. Immediately she said I'm done with Clomid. It didn't work, so move on. However, she was pleased to see I've been ovulating for the past 6 months or so. I didn't think my #s were ever very good, but she said there was definitely ovulation. So, that felt good. I admitted that I had stopped taking all my other medicines, and she encouraged me to go back on them, and add in a half hour of exercise a day. I know my DH will support that, so hopefully I can incorporate that soon into my lifestyle.

We then went into the exam room and she did an ultrasound and counted many, many cysts on my ovaries. So, yep, I definitely have PCOS. She'd like me to get a HSG, and then start on injectables and then it's my choice to do an IUI or IVF (I'm so sorry for all the jargon,and I just don't have time today to explain it all, but I'll post a little primer on all the lingo sometime soon).

So, then we were done, and I guess her nurse will call me sometime today to get some of this scheduled. I haven't even talked to DH, yet, so I don't know what his thoughts will be. It sounds like if I do an IUI it will be $3,000.00 each month (there's only a 25% chance of success), and if I do IVF, the cost more than doubles, but so do my chances. I'm just not sure about any of this.

I haven't had a chance to really digest any of it. Hopefully tonight DH & I will get some good conversations in.

Oops, got to run, my carpool is just about here.

Thanks for reading!

Fertility clinic seminar

2008-09-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a "Meet the Doctors" seminar at a fertility clinic (or is it infertility clinic? what's the right title???). I ended up going alone because it was the 3rd attempt I had made to get into the seminar, and each time something came up. This time it was my dh's back to school night. So, I showed up, alone, and feeling really stupid, as there was only one other couple there. So the three of us sat and heard about trans-vaginal ultrasounds, and lots of sperm talk, and saw photos of fallopian tubes and all sorts of other lovely stuff that doesn't seem so mortifying when you are with an anonymous large group, but a little too intimate when it's just you & 2 strangers. The doctor seemed very animated (um, too animated for my taste), but I felt good when he asked if I thought they could see an egg on an ultrasound and I answered, "Um, I don't think so... they are very small." I was right!

This clinic as a whole has gotten rave reviews form others on the Nest boards, and their rates are much more reasonable than Kaiser's fertility clinic, at least for basic services & IUIs. In fact, I started crying at work when Kaiser called me to tell me the price ($560.00 for the initial consultation/exam!) This clinic is about half that, plus they give a 1/2 off coupon for your initial visit/exam just for going to one of the seminars. I seriously don't know what will come of this. I know that we just can't afford IVF. It's just not a possibility. I think the rate was $17,000.00. And there, of course, are no guarantees. I always feel like I need to qualify the statement "we can't afford that" because I mean, we have the money, but we'd really rather use it towards actually raising our child, or at least towards something that doesn't seem quite so statistically risky. Now, I'm not slamming the door on IVF, it's still open, but I'd need to really hear that we are prime, super candidates for the procedure, which I don't think we will. But, I'm going to make a call (hopefully an e-mail, since I hate talking on the phone), and set up my first appointment soon.

My only other hesitation is timing of all of this. I work so far from the clinic, I just don't know if there is a way to schedule all this stuff without having to let my work know. As I've mentioned in the past, my boss is freakily interested in my procreation plans, & I've tried to keep her in the dark as much as possible. I don't mind taking a day off here & there, but the logistics of it all seem very overwhelming. Well, I guess my first step is to make that appointment. Wish me luck!

Stupid Gymboree, stupid me

2008-08-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

To follow up a little on yesterday's post regarding testing... I went crazy enough to actually tear apart the plastic casing of the HPT in order to examine the line a little closer. It was vague enough that I left the house to go to the Dollar Tree to buy some more tests. Oh how I love having a basket full of their tests, and nothing else, at the checkout. However, God was saving me from my embarrassment, or something, because the giant Dollar Tree that I go to had closed down! So then I went to the other, more ghetto-y Dollar Tree, but they didn't have any tests at all. Since I was at this point convinced that I was a lunatic, I didn't go to Target or any other place to buy the more expensive tests.

In between my Dollar Tree stops, I stopped at the mall to get my mom a present (I was secretly hoping that me telling her that she was going to be a grandma would be her gift this year). Any way, I stupidly went in to Gymboree (clothes store, not tumbling place - I'm not that messed up, yet) & it just hit me that I was not a mom, that it's not going to happen, that I am infertile... all the little clothes, especially the Halloween styles just got to me. I've rarely been this affected. Normally I just note in my mind what I like, and figure I will have lots of chances to buy later. I don't know why this little pumpkin cardigan, shirt & hat just put me over the edge, but they did:

So, I got myself out of there right away & got a lemon truffle from Sees. Chocolate makes everything better.

So today I figured I might as well go & buy a test from Target, but before I got out the door, AF showed & put to rest any of my crazy inclinations. So, yay, I think this is month 30! Ugh.

Last night I e-mailed my dr to get the referral to the RE, and I'll start the other research I need to do for other clinics, plus I also got a pack of info from another adoption agency, so at least I'm getting more details about all my options.

Oh, and I also thought I felt a lump in my breast this morning. I'm pretty sure it's nothing, but nonetheless I'll be e-mailing my doctor to see if I should come in and get a professional opinion.

I'm so happy this is a long weekend. I don't think I could go to work with all this stuff floating in my head.

I'll let you in on a little of my insanity...

2008-08-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

When I tested this morning, it was like 4:45 am. I didn't turn on any lights, just used our nightlite. After about 10 minutes (I was groggy & didn't watch the clock exactly), I checked again, using the nightlite & there was no 2nd line (I'm using Dollar Store tests). So I threw the test away. Of course, now hours later, I decide to look again. Hmm, there is a very slight evap line (I've never seen an evap line, but I'm assuming that's what it is). But now, I don't know if it was there when I looked the first time (because I checked to see if I could see it with the nightlite, and I couldn't ). So I threw it away again. Only to dig it out one more time - and about that, how is it that I'm throwing it with such force that it keeps getting buried deep into the little waste basket? - So now I've done searches on evap lines, and I really think that's what it is, but because of my neurosis, I will now need to go buy more tests & try again. Stupid insanity. I really am not taking this seriously... but now I have to see.

BFN

2008-08-30T05:11:00.000-07:00

Well, no real surprise. I have a feeling I will be a full-of-symptoms kind of gal, and I've had none, other than AF not showing when I expected. I'm going to e-mail my doctor for the RE referral, and also check out another fertility clinic & start committing myself to that process. Don't worry -no tears here, just resignation.

PS. Is it odd that I don't tell my dh when I'm testing? He gets so anxious (the one time I did) with lots of nail biting, and it's just easier on me when I tell him later (if at all). He figures it out when AF shows.

14 dpo

2008-08-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm wishing I had charted this month. At least then I'd know if there was really a chance or not. I'm not feeling any symptoms any different than when AF shows. I have one pg test at home (I think, maybe I have more stashed away somewhere), so I think I'll use it tomorrow am & see if anything develops. In the last few months my luteal phase has lasted between 10 days & 15 days, so again, no clues here. Argh, I wasn't putting any hope into this month, and now I'm feeling a glimmer of possibility. I hate getting my hopes up!

I'll briefly update tomorrow am!

Pink is not my favorite color...

2008-08-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

...but you wouldn't be able to tell that by looking at me. Oy vey, I am very sunburned! Pink & white stripes all over my bod. Ok, don't feel too bad for me, I got his sunburn in Maui, where I've been for the past week.

We're here with my parents, and we were supposed to be here with 6 other family members, but when ATA went out of business they couldn't afford to take a chance that they would get their money back & rebook (for almost twice the price) on United. The reason that we bought new tickets right away on United was because I knew without a doubt we would get our money back. How did I know that? Because we bought travel insurance that covered this exact scenario. However, this wasn't the reason that we bought the insurance. When we were making our reservations (the day that the tickets became available, 11 months ago), I really thought, was sure, that I'd either be pregnant or have a baby by the time this trip came up. So, in case that I'd be in labor or have a few week old baby, or just be too pregnant to fly, we bought trip insurance. So, when I reflect on that every once in a while, I do feel a tinge of sadness and a rueful sense of disappointment that I ever thought I would be pregnant this year. Luckily, the feeling passes quickly enough & I really just focus on how much fun I'm having with my wonderful husband, and my fun parents, and how lucky I am to have both.

I'm not charting anymore, mainly because I've gone out of town so much the past few months that I haven't been able to keep on a consistent waking schedule, so why bother. But, I have been using my CBEFM, and I was excited to get a Peak reading while here in Maui. Yay for tropical BDing!(ick, too much info, plus I hate that term, but do you really want me to spell it out any more??)

So, I better end this now so I can enjoy my last evening here in Paradise. On my local board of the Nest our signature challenge this week was to include a photo in our siggy of "where the magic happens" - Here's my entry for this week:

Steps forward, and backward, maybe

2008-08-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

After the adoption orientation last week, dh & I were able to talk a bit about our next steps. What's fantastic is that our conversations were not heavy, emotion-laden discussions, but just normal conversations where we voiced our thoughts and found that we were pretty much on the same page about everything.

So, we've decided that if we were to adopt, and since the time frame can be quick or slow, it would be in our best interest to have quite a lot more money saved. This way our savings actually can go towards me staying at home as long as possible, and going back to work in some capacity later on very part-time.

But, we still want to pursue me getting pregnant. I just don't think we're past giving up that idea yet. So, I e-mailed my doctor & asked his thoughts on me going on Clomid for another few months. He said, sure, no problem, 3 more months, here you go. After that, he really needs to refer me to a specialist. So, we're going to try Clomid again. I'm going to go ahead & get the referral for the specialist, since I have a feeling it will take a while to get in. Then, after 3 months on Clomid, or by the advice of the RE, we'll try an IUI (if it's recommended for us). Maybe two. If that's a failure, then I think that's as far as we'll go on our own, and we'll continue the adoption path.

I really don't feel that adoption is a lesser option. It's exciting and scary, and takes a lot of mental preparation besides the financial prep. So, we'll go at our own pace, and our own time. And that's what's right for us.

So, I went to go get my Clomid yesterday. I decided to transfer it to Walmart since Kaiser doesn't cover it. I went to the pharmacy and the pharmacy tech was trying to check me out, but he looked confused about the number of pills I was getting. He called over to the pharmacist who looked at me & yelled out, "I just gave you 10 (50 mgs each). Maybe that's all you'll need, right?" Um, yeah, thanks, hopefully that's all I'll need. What ever happened to discretion???

In other news, I updated my Nor Cal Etsy directory, a listing of Etsy (& Zazzle & Cafe Press) stores featuring Nor Cal Nesties' fantastic items! http://norcaletsy.blogspot.com

Meet Rye!

2008-07-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

With all the craziness that has been ruling my life lately I totally forgot to mention a very important new member of our household: Rye.

After Maraya passed we knew that our home wasn't complete without the maximum number of cats allowed in our apartment (which happens to be 2). With Maraya gone, Minty seemed really subdued, which was surprising since a) she is a bundle of energy usually, and b) she & Maraya were not friends (Maraya didn't like cats). So, we thought getting a kitten would bring some new energy in the house, and also give some companionship to Mints.

Dh had agreed that we could get a kitten after we came back from Mendocino, since we really didn't want to get a new cat & then leave it alone. I was on board, but then I started doing the dumbest thing possible. I started looking at Petfinder.com. It was there that I saw this picture,

and I knew that I had to have him. I was wanting another Siamese mix, because Minty's personality is so likable, and her dominant traits are very Siamese-like (vocal, friendly, independent, boisterous, also she plays fetch & that's also a Siamese trait). So, I started looking at pets in our zip code, and then kept expanding, and expanding, and expanding, until I came across Rye, who was 120 miles away...

I e-mailed his foster mom at 10:00 pm to see if he was still available. Yep, but they were bringing him to Petco in the morning to be displayed with the other foster cats. Well, looking at the site, I could tell that Rye was the absolute cutest cat they had & he would be snatched up immediately. So, I had just a few hours to convince my dh to agree to this "whim" of mine. It took all night, with a lot of pleading & crying, & general emotional manipulation on my part. Which I've apologized for. Profusely. His resistance wasn't to getting a cat, but that we had the remaining chairs to our dining room set to be delivered the next morning, plus the drive was excessive & expensive, plus we were two weeks away from Mendocino.

So, the next morning we drove up to Sacramento & met Rye & he was the sweetest, lightest little thing. When you hold him he just goes limp, and gazes into your eyes. He's so cute!

He definitely had a week of adjusting (lots of whining (we called him Little Whimps), no eye contact with us, was only interested in Minty (who saw his distress & took to completely mothering him, even letting him nurse to help calm him down)) but he's now a fun member of the family. He's really gentle and playful. When I took him to the vet the vet tech told me I "had the best kitten ever!" Aw, words to make a mom proud!

You can see more pics here: Rye & Minty Gallery, but here's a couple of teasers:

Technical update

2008-07-25T14:42:00.001-07:00

Eh, I thought I could edit comments before they were posted. Meaning if you put your e-mail address in a comment I could take it out before posting. Nope - I was wrong. So, if you'd like your comment posted, but you'd also like to send me a note with your e-mail address, just send two comments & I'll post the one without the e-mail address. Sorry I'm/Blogger is so lame.

Adoption orientation last night

2008-07-25T12:37:00.001-07:00

I normally don't blog from work, but I really wanted to share my experiences with the domestic adoption orientation we went to yesterday before I forget any of the details.

We arrived way early, much earlier than I thought we would be since we had to go about 50 miles in rush hour traffic. Luckily there were two of us so we could carpool-lane it most of the way.

We sat around a horseshoe-shaped conference table and briefly introduced ourselves. Well, some of us were brief. Others rambled on a bit, but for the most part really great questions were asked. I was so nervous for my dh. He's very shy, and I don't even know if knew what he was doing there. So the whole time while I was listening to others speak I was silently wondering what my dh would say. But then I introduced myself, said a couple of words, and then it was my dh's turn... and the coordinator just moved on to the rest of the orientation. So all my worry was for nothing, but, um , why was he skipped? I think the others had just taken up so much time, and I had mentioned his name in my introduction and waved toward his direction when introducing ourselves, so it must have just seemed like I was doing the talking for both of us. Which I wasn't. Really.

Most of the information was already on their website (which I've read every single page), so it was probably a better orientation for my dh to attend than me, but I got quite a bit out of it. I feel a real connection to this agency, and I'm pretty sure that if this is the route we'll take, then this is the agency for us.

Somethings I liked:
-They have been in business for over 20 years and are part of a larger faith-based service organization (Jewish) which serves a lot of different facets of the community.

-Unless you do some digging, you would not know that they are part of a faith-based organization. This is very important to us because neither of us are religious at all. So many other agencies I saw were so heavy-handed with their religion that I felt intimidated and turned-off. I feared that potential birthparents would only be looking for people with similar religious beliefs, and we would not be the right family. Plus, we're a mixed ethnicity couple, and honestly, I don't feel that we fit in with the other agencies. With this one, I feel like we bring something unique, yet we're not so glaringly "wrong" that we would not find a match.
(I want to make mention that I am in no way make a comment about other people who are religious. The majority, if not 100%, of the adoption blogs I read are written with faith as a main factor in their search & in their lives. I love the support that faith gives to those that have it.)

-The directors are social workers themselves, and have seem to have everyone's best interests in mind. They are supportive of a potential birthmom's decision to parent or to not parent, or even terminate, and will find her services to help her. There doesn't appear to be any coercion, or guilt, and that's really important to me.

-They support open adoption.

-They appear professional, but warm.

There are a ton more reasons that I like them, but those are some of the important ones. Also, their fees seem pretty low. The homestudy fee is a little higher than I've seen (it's in the $2,000.00 range), but their outreach/advertising fee is lower ($3,500.00). When I add up all the fixed costs (homestudy,advertising,placement,finalization) the amount comes to about $12,000.00. What I don't know about is how much counseling or other expenses the birthmom will need, or what legal fees will be, if any.

Again, I want to stress that we haven't decided that we are definitely going to adopt, we still need to talk quite a bit more about it, but it feels great getting all this info. My dh really gets the process now, and I'm so glad, because I have a really hard time explaining things to him (he's analytical & I'm ... um... a bit more scattered).

I'll send anyone the link to the organization if you want. Just send me a comment with your e-mail address (comments are moderated, so I'll remove your e-mail if I publish the comment!)

Ok, back to work!

Topics: Llamas,massage,Fairyland, & adoption

2008-07-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

One post every month isn't the sign of a great blogger...but I've been sooo busy lately! Our 3rd anniversary was at the end of June. I happen to **heart** llamas, and other barnyard animals (especially sheep), so my husband very kindly allowed me to make reservations at this funky place called Lodging & Llamas in Mendocino. Our cabin, the "Water Tower":

I was hoping to go on a llama trek, but the weather was weird, and the air quality wasn't great from all the fires, so we didn't do it. Instead I got to hang out in the llama & goat corral, and tried to make friends with the llamas, which unfortunately wanted nothing to do with me. Here's an unflattering photo of me trying to make nice with one of the llamas:

The goats however were very interested:

The next weekend I flew off to Los Angeles to visit my cousin and her two little girls. While there she treated me to a Thai massage at a place that seemed a bit sketchy... I started writing about it just now, but quickly realized it would take a whole lot longer than I have (waiting for my clothes to finish washing) for me to tell the story.. I think you just had to be there!

Then my cousin drove up here, so on the weekend I spent some more time with her & the girls & we went to Fairyland in Oakland. This was the first time I had been back there since I was a little girl. My dad used to take me almost every weekend. It's changed some, but for the most part it's the same place. It was fantastic experiencing it through a child's eyes again, but the girls need to be a little older to really appreciate it (they are 1 & 3).

This past weekend I finally had time to just catch up on stuff around the house. See, no real time for blogging at all the last few weeks.

In fertility news... I haven't done much of anything except use the CBEFM (& got 2 peak days without Clomid - yay). I guess I'm in the 2ww, but I'm not really thinking about it. I don't mean that in a negative way, or even a denial, it's just I really don't expect anything to be different, especially since I'm not taking any drugs.

Tomorrow were going to an adoption orientation. It's just a fact-finding mission for us. No decision has been made, but the more information we have the better. Which brings me to my last photo. This is how the adoption books are categorized at my local B&N:

Sex Education/Adoption/Divorce & Children/Activities

Why not throw a section on llama care while you're at it, too?

My boss is crazy & I'm cracking up

2008-06-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

Today I had just one of my many weird conversations with my boss. I turned in something that was filled with mistakes & oddities... way worse than anything else I've ever done, but fixable & actually comical. I just let my boss know I was trying to keep her on her toes. As we had a good laugh about my mistakes she turned & said... I just thought it was because maybe you're pregnant & the hormones are making you make mistakes. I rolled my eyes, tried not to look crushed & said, Nope, not pregnant, just overworked.

So when she left I started talking to my coworker about the bosses comment. She informed me that my boss is crazy obsessed with me being/becoming pregnant & asks my coworker about it all the time.

Every time I have a doctors appointment, my coworker is quizzed.
If I am late to work, my coworker is quizzed.
If I leave early, my coworker is quizzed. And so on...

She asks my coworker if she thinks I'll quit when I become pregnant & if I know I'm not supposed to handle cat litter (because of my pregnancy).

Now she's decided I have fertility issues (yes, I know that I do, but dear Lord, I do not discuss this with people I know, only with strangers on the internets, & she does not know this). So, she wants to know from my coworker if me taking thyroid pills is affecting my fertility (in an ill-thought out moment of candor I told her I was on them, but only because she was telling me she was taking them, too). I am, according to my boss, obsessed with my baby nephew because I long for a little one to hold in my arms. My trip to Santa Barbara must have been a trip to try a new place to try to make babies, you know switch things up a bit... yes, she discussed this again with my coworker. So, as coworker was telling me all this I just started laughing, & by the end we were both almost in tears. I kind of like this game...because she at least has enough sense not to ask me directly (usually), so it's fun to see her try to guess. According to her calculations, I have been pregnant for three years.

There have been a few times where she has brought up babies/pregnancy to me. All have been very comical to me.

-My co-worker & I were talking about which stores her expecting daughter-in-law was registered at & comparing notes since my cousin was due the same week. Boss came in the room int he middle of the conversation & told us to stop talking about babies. Meanly. With strange emotion. Ohhh Kayyy.

-I came into work one day & in the spot where my old computer had been was just a dusty space. I was surprised to see my computer missing & when I said, Wow, it's gone! She said, "Wow - look at all that space... you could put a baby there!" I just laughed & thought, I'm not putting a baby in a dirty corner of my desk...

-There was a newsmagazine recently that had a picture of a pregnant woman's bare belly. My boss picked it up & exclaimed -"That's obscene!" & threw the magazine in the trash.

Boy, I wonder how she'll take it when I really am.

A new blog for handmade stuff

2008-06-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to add that I created a new blog to highlight some of my Nestie friends' amazing handmade items. Check it out! I won't update it too much, it's really just there as a reference for me to keep track of all the great Etsty sites I visit!

Nor Cal Handmade Directory

Now the fun stuff!

2008-06-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

So, besides mourning a beloved pet and freaking out about blood tests and the future, I have managed to get quite a bit of fun in to my days, too! (By the way, in my post a month ago I mentioned I was worried about my Beta fish, Ocean... update: although he looked so dead at one point that my dh called out he was going to go throw him away, he snapped out of it & is still swimming along. He's not at 100 %, but he's eating & swimming when he sees me, so that's a bright spot!)

A few weeks ago our favorite band of all time, The Cure, played in San Jose. Actually, rewind about 8 months... 8 months ago, the Cure were supposed to start their US tour, but they were only stopping in the Bay Area to do the Download Festival. Festival shows are great, but you never know if you're going to get a full concert, or something more abbreviated. The next stop was to be Santa Barbara, so we decided to buy tickets to the Download Festival & the Santa Barbara show and make it a long weekend for ourselves. Well, they then rescheduled their tour in order to work on their new album. In the meantime, they added another show in San Jose, so we bought tickets to that, too. So in October we went to the Download Festival, and then a few weeks ago we went to the San Jose show & then drove the next day to Santa Barbara.

Both shows were fantastic, and have renewed my love for the band once again. I've been obsessing about the lead singer as though I were back in high school. So much so that I've "decided" (in quotes because it's not a real decision, yet), that if we have a daughter, her middle name will have a Cure reference in it!

Oddly enough, my husband is a much bigger fan than I am... if you look at us we don't look like "typical" fans, but start talking to us & you'll see the love is there. Funny thing, too, when I was just meeting my husband he asked me what kind of music I liked. I sort of hate answering that question because the answer reveals so much about you so quickly. Anyway, I said I mainly listened to the radio since most of my Cd's had been stolen (a hazard of living in Oakland), but I liked the Cure a lot. He told me, "well, if you need any Cure Cd's, I pretty much have them all." And he did! Including bootlegs & rarieties... a match made in heaven!

So, we went to Santa Barbara & stayed at a hotel across the street from the beach. We got a fantastic deal that included an ala carte breakfast daily & also a $50.00 gas card, plus a reduction on the room rate, and a slight upgrade. Very, very nice. Plus we got to see our favorite band in a fairly intimate setting, the Santa Barbara Bowl. The day after the concert we wandered around Santa Barbara & just enjoyed each others company. It was so wonderful!

Our next getaway is up to Mendocino toward the latter part of this month. We're going to a place that has llamas on property, and offers llama treks. I'm very excited, and so happy my husband is indulging my not-so-secret obsession with barn animals (sheep, goats, llamas, etc.)! What a guy!

I have one more post to make & then this marathon blogging session is over!

On to the fertility updates.

2008-06-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

Well, round 2 of Clomid did not do the trick. My progesterone level was the same as it was before taking Clomid, and that was even with taking progesterone supplements. The progesterone test is to see if I actually ovulated or not. It's a little tricky, because you are supposed to take the test 7 days after you've ovulated. But the test is to tell you if you've ovulated. So, it's all a guessing game, because if I knew I was ovulating I wouldn't need to take the test.

Before my doctor prescribed Clomid I had my progesterone bloodwork done, and as I mentioned, it was the same as when I had taken two months of Clomid. Before Clomid, my doctor said it looked like I wasn't ovulating, so here's the drug. Last month when I got the same result back, he said it was on the low side of normal!!! So, I'm still at a loss. It looks like I am ovulating, maybe just not very strongly. I don't have my exact #s in front of me, but I believe my pre-Clomid and 2nd round of Clomid levels were about 5.5. Round one Clomid was higher, 6. something. A medicated cycle should measure at least 15, I believe, so it was well-below what I would consider normal.

Anyway, end result - BFN.

I have taken my 3rd round of Clomid this month & we'll have to see what happens. But I do have a bad confession to make - I haven't been taking any of my other medications this whole month. Not the herbs my acupuncturist prescribed (or the smoothie), not my thyroid pills, not my metformin (a drug usually for diabetics, but also helps ovulation in PCOS patients), not prenatal vitamins - nothing. I've just been very depressed by the whole thing & my response has been inaction - as usual.

So, after I finish blogging tonight I will start my medicines up again, ok? I promise!

Since this month is my last on Clomid, I'm really feeling panicked. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I don't have infertility insurance, and so I've only been seeing my ob/gyn for my issues, & I think I've finally reached the point that he can not help me any longer.

I've been looking into two possible options, both are fairly appealing to me, but scary. The first one is an IUI, which some of my friends have had success with. However, I'm not my friends, & reading a little about it makes me think that I may not be a great candidate. The expense is hefty, but do-able, but it's only worth it if I actually could benefit from it. I'd have to see an RE to get some opinions on that one. I know that IVF is also an option, and may be more viable for us, but the expense is really prohibitive (or so I've gathered. I haven't done too much research because I'm more excited about our next option...)

The second option that we're considering is adoption. This one warms my heart, and I love the concept, but the process is scary & expensive. The process is long, and my husband doesn't want to talk about the details until we're ready to jump in. It's sort of revisits conversations we had about wedding planning. I knew how much lead time we needed on everything, & he didn't believe me... until we started finding vendors totally booked more than a year in advance... So, I'm trying to educate him about home-studies, and profiles, etc, etc, & he just wants to wait until that is our definite next step. Luckily we're on the same page about loving a child no matter how they come into our lives... just not on the same page about the timeline...

So there you, go, that's my fertility update... more to come...

Long time, no blog

2008-06-08T20:52:00.001-07:00

Ha ha, I know that's not an original title, but what can I say.. at least it's something, right? I want to make sure to get a few posts in before one of my readers goes into active labor... OK, Janessa, this one is for you!

I have had a pretty rough month, on top of some technical difficulties, and it's made blogging hard. The most devastating thing was having to say goodbye to my beloved 16 year old cat, Maraya. I'm not interested in writing about it right now, but I have updated her Catster page. Check it out, if you're interested: http://www.catster.com/cats/303314

One thing I'll add though, is this amazingly sweet e-mail that my friend sent to me:

I am truly sorry to hear about Maraya. I know how hard that must have been
for you. She was a wonderful cat, and I really loved her, she had a stronger
personality than most people I know, and things just won't be the same without
her vibrance. I can honestly say she will never be forgotten by those who loved
her, and that she made a lasting impression on all those she got to know. It's
hard not to tear up at the thought of a visit to the Bay Area without some time
in her company. A cat like Maraya can never be replaced. May she rest in
peace.

Also, a friend of mine who specializes in monograms & invitations created a really special memorial card for me to print out & send to Maraya's vets and some of my family members. Check it out on her blog here: http://swishdesigns.blogspot.com/2008/05/pet-memorial.html
Thanks again, Donna!

I have a lot to post about, but I'm going to break it up into a few different posts as to not overwhelm myself, or my 4 readers. Thanks for tuning in!

The $70.00 Smoothie

2008-04-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it wasn't $70.00 for one smoothie, but that is how much I spent today on smoothie ingredients as recommended to me by my acupuncturist. She gave me a recipe, said I could find everything at Whole Foods, and so I went. So, what does $70.00 get you at Whole Paycheck?

(Did you know that you can buy fresh bee pollen? Freaky.)

I actually had a pretty tough, emotional day today. I don't enjoy crying in front of people, but today my body rebelled against me & let the tears flow while I was lying on the acupuncturist's table. And this was before I had 5 needles in my ear!

So, why was I crying? Well, stupid, effin AF came... which means round 1 of clomid + acupuncture did not work. I'm beginning to panic because I'm only giving myself 3 months with clomid, & I've just used up one of them.

Also, a friend on the Nest posted a picture from a gtg about 2 1/2 years ago. Pictured were 12 women. Of the 12, 8 have had babies since that gtg. 8! Of the 4 remaining, 2 are not at all interested in having kids (as far a I can tell), and the other two, well... one of them is typing a blog entry right now about her stupid infertility, the other one is having her own struggles.

I have never, ever, been the jealous type. I am not upset when I see new babies, hear about new BFPs (yay Ariel!!!!!) , or get invited to baby showers. Hell, I'll throw you a baby shower if you'll let me. (You really should - they are always a lot of fun...) My baby nephew, who lives in the building across from me, brings me more joy than anything I could imagine. Still, seeing those statistics played out so visually in front of me... 8 out of 10 with their babies... well, it reached down inside of me & made me ache. Plus, my dh was a jerk all day & only just made it up by taking me to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall (which was fantastic, btw). So, I'm doing ok, but I'm really, really hoping for better results this month. So, this month I will be clomid taking, herbal ingesting, & smoothie enjoying.

Oh, I also found a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor on Craigslist today, so I will also need to add pee monitoring to my list of daily chores.

I'm also hoping my fish doesn't die. He's not looking too good.

I can't sleep.

2008-04-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

My mind is just racing. I think its the cocoa I had not too long ago. Or the fact that according to FertilityFriend.com, I ovulated 8 days ago. Or did I? That is the million dollar question... and the one that has me freaking out. Here's the problem: every morning I note my waking (basal) temperature & then enter it into FF. Now, I've been fairly consistent this cycle, but I've missed a couple days, and sometimes I wake up at strange times & you're supposed to take your temp at the same time every day. I can tell already that I'm rambling.... Ok, so I haven't seen anything that looks really like ovulation on my chart, but I'm not an expert. At all. If you have the paid FF subscription, FF will take all your signs & temps & tell you if it thinks you've ovulated, or will ovulate. Up until today I've gotten nothing. Nada. So I did something that I don't know was wise. FF has different interpretation modules that you can choose. I've been on the The Advanced Detector, which is the default, but then I changed over to the Research Detector, which according to FF notes, can be "unstable." See the descriptions of the two here:

Advanced Detector is our recommended detector and the default for all charts. We recommend that you keep your chart on this setting. This detector takes all your fertility signs into account. It uses the computing power of our servers to actually scan for patterns of ovulation on your charts based on the many patterns that we have encountered through our years of experience. Once it has determined your most likely ovulation day based on all your fertility signs, it then determines a coverline (the horizontal line across your chart) with a reasonable value to show you your biphasic (ovulation) pattern. Our advanced detector simultaneously takes into account all signs and data you enter to determine the best interpretation.
The Research Detector is our cutting edge research detector. This detector includes all new patterns and improvements as we find them. With time and testing, we roll new findings into the advanced detector when appropriate. Since this detector is continuously under construction, it can be unstable. You should use it only if you wish to check for enhancements that are not yet rolled into the advanced detector.
When I switched to Research, it changed my chart from saying "possible ovulation date 4/10... no ovulation detected yet" to
showing an ovulation date. I just don't know!
So, for all intents & purposes I'm in the 2 week wait. I'm going to do my very best not to test until after cycle day 33. Knowing me I'll sneak one in sooner than that, but I won't be crushed if it's negative. Up until tonight I didn't think I had any chance at all. Maybe it's better that way. At least that way I can sleep. Right now all I can think about is if I'm pg this cycle, the baby's due date will be 1/1/09. I can't have a New Year's Baby, can I? That would be crazy! What will I do at work if I have morning sickness and am not ready to tell anyone? The poor bookkeeper shares a wall with the bathroom... she'd surely know what's going on... and so on & so on. At least when I didn't have any hope I let my mind rest. Now I'm all sorts of crazy.
Fingers crossed for me, ok????

Herbs now, too?

2008-04-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I'm not feeling very optimistic. I had a good acupuncture session yesterday, but it wasn't very reassuring. I brought in my temperature chart from this cycle so far, and she was silent for a long time, and after talking to her it was obvious that she didn't see anything that looked like ovulation. She really wants me to start herbs, but I've been very resistant. I have a pretty cynical attitude; and a pretty good bullshit detector, if I do say so myself ;)... so when people start trying to upsell me on anything I tend to smile politely & say "no thank you." So, that's what I thought this was, an upsell. She asked me the reason that I didn't want to try the herbs & I listed 3 true points:
1. My stomach is sensitive and I have a hard enough time with pre-natals (I've resorted to taking Flintsones vitamins & folic acid supplements).

2. I'm taking other medications & I don't know what the reaction would be.

and

3. We're on a budget (so I can actually raise this baby as a SAHM if I ever get there), it's already a stretch to my pocketbook to spend as much as we are on weekly treatments; and I overheard her giving the grand total of one acupuncture treatment, plus herbs to a new client, and the total was nearly $300.00 - I'm already having a hard time convincing my dh that this is worthwhile, adding another $100.00+ into the mix a month would not go over that well....

So, I told her my concerns, and she had answers for everything. I can try pills or teas for the herbs, many of her patients are on the exact same medications as I am & have not had problems with the herbs, and she thinks its so important that she's willing to give them to me as part of my treatment fee, so in essence - free. Well, "free" is all I really need to hear, so next cycle I'll try the herbs.

Today is day 21 of a my cycle & my doctor wanted me to get my progesterone tested today to see if I ovulated. I already know (think?) the answer is no, so my mind is already on the next cycle. It's got to happen one of these days, right? Right?

That leads me to an odd conversation I had with Dh. I was telling him about being disappointed that nothing is happening fast, and I want us to be parents so bad.
~
Dh: Well, how long have we been trying?
Me: (holds up two fingers)
Dh: Right - two weeks.
Me: No! (holds up two fingers)
Dh: Ok, Two months. Two years?? No, that's not right. I mean really trying. We weren't timing anything, we weren't even having sex regularly. Now we're actually trying, and it's just been a few weeks.
~

Uh, Ok... but it is sort of nice to think that maybe we are just starting! I was lackadaisical about the whole thing because I just assumed it would be easy & happen when it happened. So I'm a little more empowered and it feels good.

That still didn't stop me from being in a major weird funk last night that was only broken by begrudgingly going swimming. That felt good & I'm looking forward to more of it now the weather has turned.

One last thing, I read all of your comments, and thank all of you! One of these days I'll respond to any questions that come up in them, but my time on the computer is sort of limited until I get my laptop & don't have to share with dh.

I'm not very original.

2008-04-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

Apparently. Today I decided to do a minor ego-check & see what happens if I did a search on my blog on Google. I wasn't expecting to see anything, since I think I have it set to not be searchable (have to check that) and I've just started it , but I really wasn't expecting to see reference to a dead blog at my new address. But that is what I found. First it was just a link listed on another blog from a few years ago. That led me to go search the Way Back Machine for fertilitynow.blogspot.com, and that's when I found years' worth of old postings from a woman struggling with infertility. I've just started reading, and I'm just loving her voice. She & I had the exact same reasoning for calling our blogs "Fertility Now" - it's a Seinfeld reference - George's dad attempts to calm himself down by screaming "Serenity Now!" Eventually it backfires & creates an explosion of emotion. George's nemesis later tells him that he tried "Serenity Now", but it only led to him being put in a mental hospital. "Serenity now...insanity later." I was watching that episode & that's when I decided to start the blog. I've been keeping everything bottled up, only allowing people in a little bit, but it's burdening me. At least now I can write & explore, and feel safe.

So, back to the person who used to live at this virtual address. She's moved on, stopped using blogger, switched over to typepad, and eventually achieved "Fertility Now." (Well, she had her son, but it looks like she's still struggling with fertility.)

I sort of feel like an impostor now, using this name... Well, new people move in, right? I may not be the original owner of this spot in the blogosphere, but it's mine now & I'll be here for a while!

Blog roll being updated

2008-04-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

Just a really quick post to say that I am working on updating my blog roll over there on the left side. I have about 60 to add to the list, & it's taking forever. Plus, I swear I already entered about 11 , but I must not have pressed save, since they're all gone except Angela's. Oh, well, I do love Angela's blog.

On the fertility front: Yesterday was my last day of taking Clomid for this cycle. Now lets "nature" take its course & see what happens! I must say, I don't think I had any major side-effects. I seemed a little bit snippy & high strung on Sunday, but I asked my husband if I was a monster & he replied, "Not at all - you're spunky - I like it!" I felt a tad queasy last night, but it passed quickly. So, yay! All in all very easy!

What a full day!

2008-03-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

I'm just waking up from what must be a food & acupuncture fueled coma.

Yesterday was my first acupuncture appointment. I'm going a bit out of my way, but the acupuncturist I'm seeing came with very good references, and I feel sort of afloat when making these kinds of decisions. My time is fairly limited, so I can't go to lots of random places from the internet & hope to find someone that I like. So, I went to one recommended to me by a Nestie who now has a little one. I actually saw this Nestie yesterday & she sort of off-handedly mentioned the cycle she started seeing this acupuncturist was the one she got pg on. So we'll see!

At the acupuncture appointment I filled out as short questionnaire about my health, diet and exercise history, (which included questions about my mood & stress level). Mood: Moderate; Stress level 3 out of 10 (not too bad, right?). Diet: poor, and carb heavy (it was pointed out to me). Exercise: what? That's currently not really part of my life. So, besides the acupuncture, I'll be needing to make some diet changes & definitely start upping my cardio.

So, when I went in to the office we talked a little about the form I just filled out, then I took my shoes off & got on the the table (Sort of like a massage table). I did not have to remove any clothes, which going into it, I really didn't know. Thank god I didn't just assume that I would, because the acupuncturist would of had quite a surprise! Well, I didn't know anything about acupuncture; I thought she'd have to stick needles near my uterus or something. Um, no, it doesn't work that way!

The acupuncturist, Kim, had me relax on my back, and she inserted about four needles into my left ear, one on my head somewhere, one on my arm, a couple in some fingers, and a few in my foot. There might have been one some where else, too. At first I just felt a little tap, but my ears were sensitive & I could really feel the needles. I let her know & she adjusted & it was much better. The others I didn't feel as much. When she was done she left the room so I could relax for a half hour. At first my mind was racing. I even thought about work, which I never do. And then i was asleep. I had dreams & everything. I opened my eyes & wasn't sure where I was, it was a bit disconcerting! Then a moment later Kim opened the door & asked if I had fallen asleep. I had! Then she asked if I woke up wondering where I was. I did! So, at least I'm normal. She removed all the needles & asked me to relax a little more. But then I got antsy, so I sat there for about 90 seconds & then checked out.

All in all, it was a positive experience. I felt very relaxed afterward (almost stoned), it felt a bit like I do after a massage. So, I'll be going every week for the next couple months. We'll see what happens!

Jeez, this is going to be a long post... So, after my acupuncture I had a party to go to. A fantastic Nestie opened her home to us for a "Heritage GTG" - we each had to bring something tat represented our heritage. I could not think of anything that I could make that would be edible for Norwegian or Czech, so I brought some samosas in honor of my husband's Pakistani heritage.

Everything was so delicious, and the group of people there were so friendly. I love my local Nesties!

I came home, started watching a show about a women's prison & promptly fell asleep. A nice deep, food & acupuncture fueled sleep!

Oh, I also started Clomid on Friday! No side-effects, yet. Crap, now that I've written that I'm pretty doomed to get them, I think!

AF is here!

2008-03-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dear lord, I can't believe I've resorted to talking about my period in cyberspace. Well, who cares - because she's here!!! I was on cycle day 34, which isn't unusual, but I hadn't been feeling any symptoms, which is weird for me. But my body just wanted me to freak out a little. Getting AF is super important because it means that on Friday I can start Clomid!

Ah, Clomid... I had such mixed emotions about you... I whined on thenest that I was sooo disappointed that my doctor had prescribed Clomid for me. I felt like there it was - I was an infertile, not capable of naturally producing my own offspring. The gals over on thenest were so supportive & it was then that I realized I was being a baby; that this was actually an opportunity for me & my dh, and instead of being mad at my body, I was actually excited. Woo hoo for Clomid!

Oh, here's the complete text of the e-mail my dr sent me prescribing Clomid:

Your labs indicate that you likely did not ovulate this cycle, and you most likely have polycystic ovarian syndrome. You are taking Metformin twice per day now. Let's have you increase it to three times per day. I'll also prescribe Clomid 50mg. You take one tablet a day on days #5-9 of each cycle. It's very simple. I'm leaving for vacation and will return on March 26. If you have any further questions, I can answer them when I return.

Getting started.

2008-03-21T21:04:00.001-07:00

So, my dh is going away for a bit (one school week) so this gives me some time to work out some of my feelings about beginning infertility treatments. A little background: I've always had irregular cycles, and was on the pill for many years just to "regulate things." I don't remember anyone (doctors, nurse practitioners, etc. ) ever spending even a second to talk to me about what it all could mean - they just put me on the pill & figured that would fix my problems. I didn't know that I could potentially have problems down the road, & even when I went for a "pre-conception" appointment, my doctor just said to try for 6 months & then see him if I had any problems. 24 months later, and it looks like I'm finally getting somewhere. None of this is anyone's fault, but it is teaching me that I must be able to speak up for myself & know as much as I can in order to move along. Unfortunately I'm more of a "let's hope it all works out on it's own" kind of gal. I think I'm going to have to adjust that!